When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. – Rodney Dangerfield
That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. – George Carlin
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do. – Unknown
I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done. – Steven Wright
I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it’s like a circus in my head. – Steven Wright
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. – Steven Wright
I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose. – Steven Wright
I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early. – Jack Benny
I was just viciously body shamed by my mirror. – Danny Zuker
It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.
Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke. – Will Rogers
I have always noticed that people will never laugh at anything that is not based on truth. – Will Rogers
Finally my winter fat is done. Now I have spring rolls.
Sometimes I want to go back in time and punch myself in the face.
I’m addicted to placebos. – Steven Wright
When nothing is going right, go left.
Reality continues to ruin my life. – Bill Watterson
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. – Phyllis Diller
Never miss a good chance to shut up. – Will Rogers
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. – Lily Tomlin
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. – Winston S. Churchill
When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. – Cathy Guisewite
Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer. – Ellen DeGeneres
It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it. – Rodney Dangerfield